It seems you're just telling me what you think I want to hear

Hmm. It's been 2 weeks since I've written. Suppose I should churn out a blog entry, eh?

So in talking some with one of my friends I've come to the realization that I'm depressed. Not like I was before, where I was empty... no that's not right, I was full of something, and it was despair. But still slightly in a fog of depression. I spend most days completly apathetic. And I don't get excited about much. Don't look forward to much. Feel like a lot of things are hopeless. But don't worry. Not to the degree as before, where I was almost suicidal and required therapy and medication. Just feel like I'm in a funk I can't snap out of. And I'm not quite sure why.

For the most part, things are going well. My kiddos are happy and healthy. Adjusting okay to daycare, which is a relief. My friends are awesome, as usual. My boyfriend, for the most part, is amazing. (Nobody can be perfect or amazing ALL the time, I'm sure I have my unamazing moments as well). Work is going good, for the first time in a long time I'm being recognized positively at work, and it's a nice feeling. Plus I'm getting way more hours. And while the adjustement to working dayshift and longer hours has taken a toll on me, I'm getting there.

So I'm trying to think of whats still making me emo. And I just don't know. I mean there are bad things, stressors, in my life, still. But I would think by now I'd be used to them, and not let them bring me down. Worries over finances, worries over my relationship, worries over my ex being a douchebag and a deadbeat dad. I dunno.  Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Letting negative emotions overwhelm me when I have so much going for me. Maybe I just don't know how to be happy. I've spent 9 years with my ex living an unhappy life, and now that things for the most part are good... I just have to ruin it with my own negativity.

I'm just trying to figure myself out. Find myself, if you will. Figure out why I feel the way I do, why I act the way I do. And try to stop the bad habits. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm tired of having regrets. Tired of wasting time. Tired of feeling sadness when I should be feeling love and happiness. Life is supposed to be an adventure... and I feel as if I'm just going through the motions.

Well I'm gonna try and stop it. And this time, without therapists or drugs. I'm doing this to myself, this negativity and self-sabotaging. It's gotta be up to me to stop it. At least thats the way I feel. Maybe I'm being stupid, who knows. Everybody tells me I'm so strong... then why is it that I always feel so weak? I know I've been through a lot, but I'm scarred... and scared. Why can't life be easier? Well then... I guess that just wouldn't be life, would it?

And then there was you

I know, I know, I haven't blogged in 2 weeks. But hey, at least it hasn't been as long as before, I'm getting better! I just got done reading my friends blog post. The one I blogged about before. The one who I'm trying to find a man for, haha. She is talking about giving up, and I don't think she should!

Life, nor love, isn't supposed to be easy. Happiness isn't handed to anyone on a silver platter. It certainly wasn't the case for me. I had to overcome A LOT to get to the happy place that I am today. I had to deal with the fact that my husband of almost 9 years didn't want me anymore, and in fact, had replaced me with someone else.

That was quite a blow, seeing as how I had dedicated most of my life to him. So I had a lot of insecurities to deal with stemming from that. And it took awhile for me to come to terms with what I felt, and what it all really meant. I finally realized that there was nothing wrong with me. He wasn't neccessarily so much unhappy with me, just with himself, and life in general. And replacing me was the only thing he could change.

Well he's still not happy, and maybe he's realized the err of his ways, but it's too late now. He has to work on his own issues, find his own happiness. Not rely on another person to make him happy, otherwise he's just going to end up in the cycle of replacing the next girl with the next girl with the next hoping that he magically gets happy. Well it doesn't work that way!

I tried that for awhile, dated a bunch of different guys, most of them losers, trying to find someone to make me happy. But it wasn't until I fixed myself, and became happy on my own, that I was able to take the blinders off, and open my heart to someone worthwhile. And I almost feel bad writing about my own love and happiness, after reading about my friend's unhappiness and loneliness.

But maybe if I show her that my road to happiness and love wasn't an easy one, then maybe, just maybe, she won't give up prematurely. The dating scene is not an easy one, at all. It's hard finding a good match. And you have to date around, and open yourself to lots of different types of guys to figure out what is going to work best with you. And 9 times out of 10 you end up with failure. That's to be expected.

You aren't gonna hit a homer out of the park on your first try. And probably not your second, or third, either. I dated 5 guys before I met my boyfriend. And only 3 of those guys am I still friendly with. 3 of them I realized we made better friends than a couple, and 2, well 2 were total douchebags that better hope I never see them on the street if they don't want their balls removed!

Did it hurt when my husband divorced me for another woman? Yes. Incredibly so. But I healed, and I moved on. Did it hurt when I found out my boyfriend was secretly married? Yes. Very much so. But I healed and I moved on. Did it hurt when my next boyfriend tried to sleep with one of my friends? Yes, but not as much, b/c I had learned to pull back a bit an not invest my total heart until I knew for sure they were worthy.

But again, I healed, and moved on. Did it hurt when the next guy 2 guys I dated only wanted to be friends with benefits? You bet it did. Made me feel like I had nothing more worthwhile than sex to offer them. Did it hurt when the next guy I dated whom I thought was really hot and totally a catch have zero feelings for me? You betcha. But, I got over it. You learn to get over things.

And not let them devastate you, or make you give up hope. I never lost sight of the fact that somewhere out there was the right man for me. I didn't know how long it would take me to find him, or how many loser's I'd have to go through before finding a winner... but I wasn't going to let a few bad experiences totally shut down my heart. I had love to give. I knew eventually, I'd find someone worthy. You just can't rush it.

Or go into everything thinking that they could be the one. Just know that when you do eventually stumble across it, it will be amazing. And you will know. I knew within the first date that my boyfriend was the one. But it doesn't always happen that way. I love him with such a passion, a passion unlike any I've ever felt before. Before all I had experienced was puppy love compared to this feeling.

I know in my heart that he is the one for me, and I doubt that anyone out there could make me happier than he does. And I am quite content to spend the rest of my life with him. He is so good to me, and the breadth of my feelings are just all encompassing, almost overwhelming at times. I can only hope that he feels at least one iota of how much I feel for him.

I know he loves me, and I can only hope that our love continues to grow. Just like I can only hope that my friend doesn't give up hope, and realizes theres someone out there waiting for her too. She just has to give dating a chance! She has everything in the world going for her, her only downfall is her shyness and her lack of self confidence. Once she works on those, the world is her oyster, as they say! :P

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

Hello there. It's been awhile, eh? Like what, 6 weeks? Yeah... don't really know what to tell ya, haven't been in much of a writing mood, I suppose.

But my friend says she misses reading my musings... and since I've always aimed to please, I shall try to be better about writing here. Try. Really. I will!

So I thought about what I should write about. I have enough stuff going on in my life right now. Drama that I don't really feel like writing about at the moment, so I've decided to write a bit about something that's been weighing on my mind. Not neccessarily my own drama, it's my friend's, but since I set it in motion so to speak, I feel somewhat responsible.

She has been single for quite a while, and upon seeing me find a successful, happy relationship lamented how she was tired of being alone, and wanted to be in a relationship as well. So she begged. She pleaded. For me to find her a boyfriend. So I tried. And tried and tried. Well, she didn't make it easy! She is quite possibly the worlds shyest person. Which I can kind of relate to, because I am somewhat shy as well. And everyone is afraid of rejection. But she just takes it to a whole new level. I've tried to help her the best I can, and I hope, with writing this that I will give her the boost she needs to do what I think she needs to do, haha.

I found a guy for her, a guy that I think is perfect for her in all regards. He's a great guy, truly. And she really, really likes him. But, she is unsure of her situation with him. And instead of doing the simple things and just ASKING. She is continuing to drive herself mad, probably giving herself an ulcer, no doubt. Worrying and stressing about the whole situation. She thinks he isn't into her, and that she should just give up. I tell her she has nothing to lose, and quite possibly everything to gain if she just asks him how he feels and what he wants.

But will she? Sigh. I just don't know. I've tried to explain to her that guys just don't bring up those kinds of conversations. If she wants to know where they stand, she has to initiate the convo. Don't ask me why guys are like that. I don't claim to understand men at all. I love my boyfriend like crazy, and think he is amazing. And yet, I still am confused as hell by him a lot of the time, haha.

I found this picture that I think is a good illustration that almost in a scientific way, haha, explains "relationships" and maybe will help her figure out what she has going on.

Every day of your life is a page of your history

I have and have had total writers block. I just haven't felt like blogging I guess. But Jenn told me she wants me to blog, and I do as I'm told, haha.

It's not that nothings been going on, stuff has. And it's not like even if there wasn't anything going on I still would manage to think of something to write about. I've just been MEH with the blogging.

I'm sure some of it has to do with I miss my old blog. And was sad that one person had to ruin it for me. And I just haven't been able to get too excited about this blog. I still check my old blog from time to time.

People still read it. Over 4k hits to it now... sigh... I don't even want to check how little traffic this blog is getting, lol.

I've been adjusting to the new reality lately. Before the responsibility of the kiddos was all on me, and very rarely did they spend time with their father outside of the time I had to work.

But now that he and his girlfriend have moved quite aways away and the divorce is ALMOST final (should be final June 4th I believe upon the completion of my parenting class) we have been splitting the custody 50/50.

He will have them overnight 4 nights one week, and then 3 nights the next week and vice versa. It was hard at first because I've never gone more than a day without seeing my kids, and I went 4 days without seeing them in a row!

But in a way, it's been a bit of a refresher. It was always about the kids and I never got any me time, so now I can get a break to renergize my batteries, which is good. Plus I am able to spend more quality alone time with the boyfriend, which I'm sure he appreciates. And more time with my friends as well.

I'm still trying to get the daycare assistance figured out. I got approved for it, but I still have to pay for a portion of it, and am unsure if at the moment I can afford to. Plus work is being weird about my having weekends off so I need to see if we can reach a compromise about that.

But eventually, hopefully, next month will start the kiddos in daycare, start working dayside, and go to a week on week off situation with the kids. Although... the more I'm learning in my parenting class about coparrenting young children in a divorce it's not good to go that long in between seeing the kids.

Only time will tell how everything is going to work out. I do know that I still want to start school for nursing in the fall. So just lots to figure out... just taking things one day at a time, and trying to make changes as slowly as possible because the kiddos are still adjusting to dad living in a new place and mom living in a new place.

Shit happens

My new mantra! Much better I think than "everything happens for a reason". To me that old mantra was too much of letting the world happen to you, not you happening to the world. Which is the way it should be.

Starting today I am going to seize the day so that I don't lose time, or have regrets. Today is a new day... and I'm going to make the most of it. No more living in the past, I shall only live in the present.

With some, but not too much focus on the future. I can't see the future... but I know what I hope for. Will it ever happen? I can't honestly say. I never say my story playing out the way it has so far, so who knows.

All I know is I'm going to make the best of everything! I'm going to focus on the love of my kiddos, the love of my boyfriend, and the love of my "true" friends. Everything else is just bullshit and not worth my time.

I hope today is a good day... but you know what, if not, it's not gonna kill me. It's not the end of the world. It just means that tomorrow is a new day, and my chance to make it a good one.

Sometimes all it takes is a kiss

In my old blog, I used to title every entry with an Incubus lyrics because Incubus is my favorite band, has been since I was 13. (New album comes out July 12th, so excited!)

But this is a new blog, so I must break the chains of old habits. The above is a lyric from Adele, quite possibly my most favorite vocalist (at least at the moment).

I've been listening to her a lot lately... maybe perhaps because I can relate so much to her lyrics, her pain. She's experienced a lot of heartache, as have I.

My friend calls me her dating coach because I give her advice on all things dating and guy related. I've had a lot of experience when it comes to this, both good and bad, stemming back from highschool, haha.

But it's cool, she can learn from my experiences, and my mistakes. Now if only I could follow my own advice! Haha...

I gave a friend some advice awhile back... and now I find myself in the same situation, and yet, I'm not following my own advice.

Maybe because I'm just hardheaded and stubborn and think that somehow I will have a different outcome... well only time will tell! But yes... defintely wanting that kiss right about now.... sigh...

Best memories come from bad ideas

I am probably one of the most honest, most forthright people out there. There's not a lot I hide, and I have a tendency to overshare. I realize this fully, but it doesn't bother me.

I know a lot of people are way more private than I am, and I totally respect that. I guess I just don't embarrass all too easily? 

And I feel that for the most part, sharing my life experiences helps not only myself to analyze my past actions, but maybe so that others can learn from my mistakes.

But there are some things, that even I, queen of gab, don't talk about. Everybody has secrets. And there are some that I will take to the grave with me. Oh, got your interest piqued, did I? Well I'm not telling! Haha.

It's nothing terrible... or is it? I dunno, I feel like everything I've ever said, done, or experienced has of course shaped me as a human being, for good or bad.

But for the most part, I feel that I am a good person, so why should it matter some of the "bad" things I may have done in the past? Everyone has demons, skeletons in their closet. I am no different.

And even though I usually don't mince words about how I'm feeling, or about people who have hurt/wronged me, sometimes  even I know where to draw the line, and show a little respect and decorum.

I haven't blogged in FOREVER because I've been busy with the move. Which was, horrible. There are no other words for it.

I could go on about how some of my friends were AMAZING and such great helps to me and I love them and will always appreciate what they've done, and work somehow to repay their kindness.

I could also go on about how I feel that there were some friends I should have been able to count on, that I wasn't able to.

For the most part, except for a few hours on one night where my boyfriend, my friend from highschool, and 2 random dudes I'd never met before helped me move the "heavy" stuff, I moved almost entirely on my own, with little help from others, with 2 little kids in tow, and in the bad weather of rain and hail.

There was a point where I went over 24 hours without showering, sleeping, or eating, because I couldn't afford to take ANY kind of break b/c I was in such a time crunch to get it done.

But the important thing is, it is done. I am moved in. And almost all unpacked and settled in. I survived. I'm a survivor.

I don't have any other option but to trudge forward, and make the best of the hands I've been dealt in life. I tell myself, that I've seen the lowest of the lows, and that things can only get better from here on out.

I hope this is true. I have an amazing boyfriend I love, but don't get to see much, but hopefully that will be changing soon with the bit of good news I got.

I was approved for daycare assistance, so I'm going to be working dayside again finally once I put the kiddos in daycare.

I never wanted to put my kids in daycare, but I just can't live off of working part time, so I need to be able to work fulltime, which I can only do if they are in daycare.

So not working nights anymore should make it so I can have more freetime, not only with my kiddos, but with my boyfriend, and friends as well. Finally feel like I can have a life again outside of working nights!

And as much as I love my children, moms need breaks too. And for the past 8 months, I've had the kiddos full time, with very little time for myself and I defintely get burnt out sometimes.

So starting I believe in June, the ex and I will be having kids every other week. It will be weird to go a week without seeing the kids, but in the long run, I think it will be beneficial that they get more time with their dad, and that I get a break so I have time to recharge my batteries and be a better mom for the weeks that I have them.