So in talking some with one of my friends I've come to the realization that I'm depressed. Not like I was before, where I was empty... no that's not right, I was full of something, and it was despair. But still slightly in a fog of depression. I spend most days completly apathetic. And I don't get excited about much. Don't look forward to much. Feel like a lot of things are hopeless. But don't worry. Not to the degree as before, where I was almost suicidal and required therapy and medication. Just feel like I'm in a funk I can't snap out of. And I'm not quite sure why.
For the most part, things are going well. My kiddos are happy and healthy. Adjusting okay to daycare, which is a relief. My friends are awesome, as usual. My boyfriend, for the most part, is amazing. (Nobody can be perfect or amazing ALL the time, I'm sure I have my unamazing moments as well). Work is going good, for the first time in a long time I'm being recognized positively at work, and it's a nice feeling. Plus I'm getting way more hours. And while the adjustement to working dayshift and longer hours has taken a toll on me, I'm getting there.
So I'm trying to think of whats still making me emo. And I just don't know. I mean there are bad things, stressors, in my life, still. But I would think by now I'd be used to them, and not let them bring me down. Worries over finances, worries over my relationship, worries over my ex being a douchebag and a deadbeat dad. I dunno. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Letting negative emotions overwhelm me when I have so much going for me. Maybe I just don't know how to be happy. I've spent 9 years with my ex living an unhappy life, and now that things for the most part are good... I just have to ruin it with my own negativity.
I'm just trying to figure myself out. Find myself, if you will. Figure out why I feel the way I do, why I act the way I do. And try to stop the bad habits. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm tired of having regrets. Tired of wasting time. Tired of feeling sadness when I should be feeling love and happiness. Life is supposed to be an adventure... and I feel as if I'm just going through the motions.
Well I'm gonna try and stop it. And this time, without therapists or drugs. I'm doing this to myself, this negativity and self-sabotaging. It's gotta be up to me to stop it. At least thats the way I feel. Maybe I'm being stupid, who knows. Everybody tells me I'm so strong... then why is it that I always feel so weak? I know I've been through a lot, but I'm scarred... and scared. Why can't life be easier? Well then... I guess that just wouldn't be life, would it?
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