It seems you're just telling me what you think I want to hear

Hmm. It's been 2 weeks since I've written. Suppose I should churn out a blog entry, eh?

So in talking some with one of my friends I've come to the realization that I'm depressed. Not like I was before, where I was empty... no that's not right, I was full of something, and it was despair. But still slightly in a fog of depression. I spend most days completly apathetic. And I don't get excited about much. Don't look forward to much. Feel like a lot of things are hopeless. But don't worry. Not to the degree as before, where I was almost suicidal and required therapy and medication. Just feel like I'm in a funk I can't snap out of. And I'm not quite sure why.

For the most part, things are going well. My kiddos are happy and healthy. Adjusting okay to daycare, which is a relief. My friends are awesome, as usual. My boyfriend, for the most part, is amazing. (Nobody can be perfect or amazing ALL the time, I'm sure I have my unamazing moments as well). Work is going good, for the first time in a long time I'm being recognized positively at work, and it's a nice feeling. Plus I'm getting way more hours. And while the adjustement to working dayshift and longer hours has taken a toll on me, I'm getting there.

So I'm trying to think of whats still making me emo. And I just don't know. I mean there are bad things, stressors, in my life, still. But I would think by now I'd be used to them, and not let them bring me down. Worries over finances, worries over my relationship, worries over my ex being a douchebag and a deadbeat dad. I dunno.  Maybe I'm just being too sensitive. Letting negative emotions overwhelm me when I have so much going for me. Maybe I just don't know how to be happy. I've spent 9 years with my ex living an unhappy life, and now that things for the most part are good... I just have to ruin it with my own negativity.

I'm just trying to figure myself out. Find myself, if you will. Figure out why I feel the way I do, why I act the way I do. And try to stop the bad habits. I'm tired of making mistakes. I'm tired of having regrets. Tired of wasting time. Tired of feeling sadness when I should be feeling love and happiness. Life is supposed to be an adventure... and I feel as if I'm just going through the motions.

Well I'm gonna try and stop it. And this time, without therapists or drugs. I'm doing this to myself, this negativity and self-sabotaging. It's gotta be up to me to stop it. At least thats the way I feel. Maybe I'm being stupid, who knows. Everybody tells me I'm so strong... then why is it that I always feel so weak? I know I've been through a lot, but I'm scarred... and scared. Why can't life be easier? Well then... I guess that just wouldn't be life, would it?

And then there was you

I know, I know, I haven't blogged in 2 weeks. But hey, at least it hasn't been as long as before, I'm getting better! I just got done reading my friends blog post. The one I blogged about before. The one who I'm trying to find a man for, haha. She is talking about giving up, and I don't think she should!

Life, nor love, isn't supposed to be easy. Happiness isn't handed to anyone on a silver platter. It certainly wasn't the case for me. I had to overcome A LOT to get to the happy place that I am today. I had to deal with the fact that my husband of almost 9 years didn't want me anymore, and in fact, had replaced me with someone else.

That was quite a blow, seeing as how I had dedicated most of my life to him. So I had a lot of insecurities to deal with stemming from that. And it took awhile for me to come to terms with what I felt, and what it all really meant. I finally realized that there was nothing wrong with me. He wasn't neccessarily so much unhappy with me, just with himself, and life in general. And replacing me was the only thing he could change.

Well he's still not happy, and maybe he's realized the err of his ways, but it's too late now. He has to work on his own issues, find his own happiness. Not rely on another person to make him happy, otherwise he's just going to end up in the cycle of replacing the next girl with the next girl with the next hoping that he magically gets happy. Well it doesn't work that way!

I tried that for awhile, dated a bunch of different guys, most of them losers, trying to find someone to make me happy. But it wasn't until I fixed myself, and became happy on my own, that I was able to take the blinders off, and open my heart to someone worthwhile. And I almost feel bad writing about my own love and happiness, after reading about my friend's unhappiness and loneliness.

But maybe if I show her that my road to happiness and love wasn't an easy one, then maybe, just maybe, she won't give up prematurely. The dating scene is not an easy one, at all. It's hard finding a good match. And you have to date around, and open yourself to lots of different types of guys to figure out what is going to work best with you. And 9 times out of 10 you end up with failure. That's to be expected.

You aren't gonna hit a homer out of the park on your first try. And probably not your second, or third, either. I dated 5 guys before I met my boyfriend. And only 3 of those guys am I still friendly with. 3 of them I realized we made better friends than a couple, and 2, well 2 were total douchebags that better hope I never see them on the street if they don't want their balls removed!

Did it hurt when my husband divorced me for another woman? Yes. Incredibly so. But I healed, and I moved on. Did it hurt when I found out my boyfriend was secretly married? Yes. Very much so. But I healed and I moved on. Did it hurt when my next boyfriend tried to sleep with one of my friends? Yes, but not as much, b/c I had learned to pull back a bit an not invest my total heart until I knew for sure they were worthy.

But again, I healed, and moved on. Did it hurt when the next guy 2 guys I dated only wanted to be friends with benefits? You bet it did. Made me feel like I had nothing more worthwhile than sex to offer them. Did it hurt when the next guy I dated whom I thought was really hot and totally a catch have zero feelings for me? You betcha. But, I got over it. You learn to get over things.

And not let them devastate you, or make you give up hope. I never lost sight of the fact that somewhere out there was the right man for me. I didn't know how long it would take me to find him, or how many loser's I'd have to go through before finding a winner... but I wasn't going to let a few bad experiences totally shut down my heart. I had love to give. I knew eventually, I'd find someone worthy. You just can't rush it.

Or go into everything thinking that they could be the one. Just know that when you do eventually stumble across it, it will be amazing. And you will know. I knew within the first date that my boyfriend was the one. But it doesn't always happen that way. I love him with such a passion, a passion unlike any I've ever felt before. Before all I had experienced was puppy love compared to this feeling.

I know in my heart that he is the one for me, and I doubt that anyone out there could make me happier than he does. And I am quite content to spend the rest of my life with him. He is so good to me, and the breadth of my feelings are just all encompassing, almost overwhelming at times. I can only hope that he feels at least one iota of how much I feel for him.

I know he loves me, and I can only hope that our love continues to grow. Just like I can only hope that my friend doesn't give up hope, and realizes theres someone out there waiting for her too. She just has to give dating a chance! She has everything in the world going for her, her only downfall is her shyness and her lack of self confidence. Once she works on those, the world is her oyster, as they say! :P