Every day of your life is a page of your history

I have and have had total writers block. I just haven't felt like blogging I guess. But Jenn told me she wants me to blog, and I do as I'm told, haha.

It's not that nothings been going on, stuff has. And it's not like even if there wasn't anything going on I still would manage to think of something to write about. I've just been MEH with the blogging.

I'm sure some of it has to do with I miss my old blog. And was sad that one person had to ruin it for me. And I just haven't been able to get too excited about this blog. I still check my old blog from time to time.

People still read it. Over 4k hits to it now... sigh... I don't even want to check how little traffic this blog is getting, lol.

I've been adjusting to the new reality lately. Before the responsibility of the kiddos was all on me, and very rarely did they spend time with their father outside of the time I had to work.

But now that he and his girlfriend have moved quite aways away and the divorce is ALMOST final (should be final June 4th I believe upon the completion of my parenting class) we have been splitting the custody 50/50.

He will have them overnight 4 nights one week, and then 3 nights the next week and vice versa. It was hard at first because I've never gone more than a day without seeing my kids, and I went 4 days without seeing them in a row!

But in a way, it's been a bit of a refresher. It was always about the kids and I never got any me time, so now I can get a break to renergize my batteries, which is good. Plus I am able to spend more quality alone time with the boyfriend, which I'm sure he appreciates. And more time with my friends as well.

I'm still trying to get the daycare assistance figured out. I got approved for it, but I still have to pay for a portion of it, and am unsure if at the moment I can afford to. Plus work is being weird about my having weekends off so I need to see if we can reach a compromise about that.

But eventually, hopefully, next month will start the kiddos in daycare, start working dayside, and go to a week on week off situation with the kids. Although... the more I'm learning in my parenting class about coparrenting young children in a divorce it's not good to go that long in between seeing the kids.

Only time will tell how everything is going to work out. I do know that I still want to start school for nursing in the fall. So just lots to figure out... just taking things one day at a time, and trying to make changes as slowly as possible because the kiddos are still adjusting to dad living in a new place and mom living in a new place.

Shit happens

My new mantra! Much better I think than "everything happens for a reason". To me that old mantra was too much of letting the world happen to you, not you happening to the world. Which is the way it should be.

Starting today I am going to seize the day so that I don't lose time, or have regrets. Today is a new day... and I'm going to make the most of it. No more living in the past, I shall only live in the present.

With some, but not too much focus on the future. I can't see the future... but I know what I hope for. Will it ever happen? I can't honestly say. I never say my story playing out the way it has so far, so who knows.

All I know is I'm going to make the best of everything! I'm going to focus on the love of my kiddos, the love of my boyfriend, and the love of my "true" friends. Everything else is just bullshit and not worth my time.

I hope today is a good day... but you know what, if not, it's not gonna kill me. It's not the end of the world. It just means that tomorrow is a new day, and my chance to make it a good one.

Sometimes all it takes is a kiss

In my old blog, I used to title every entry with an Incubus lyrics because Incubus is my favorite band, has been since I was 13. (New album comes out July 12th, so excited!)

But this is a new blog, so I must break the chains of old habits. The above is a lyric from Adele, quite possibly my most favorite vocalist (at least at the moment).

I've been listening to her a lot lately... maybe perhaps because I can relate so much to her lyrics, her pain. She's experienced a lot of heartache, as have I.

My friend calls me her dating coach because I give her advice on all things dating and guy related. I've had a lot of experience when it comes to this, both good and bad, stemming back from highschool, haha.

But it's cool, she can learn from my experiences, and my mistakes. Now if only I could follow my own advice! Haha...

I gave a friend some advice awhile back... and now I find myself in the same situation, and yet, I'm not following my own advice.

Maybe because I'm just hardheaded and stubborn and think that somehow I will have a different outcome... well only time will tell! But yes... defintely wanting that kiss right about now.... sigh...

Best memories come from bad ideas

I am probably one of the most honest, most forthright people out there. There's not a lot I hide, and I have a tendency to overshare. I realize this fully, but it doesn't bother me.

I know a lot of people are way more private than I am, and I totally respect that. I guess I just don't embarrass all too easily? 

And I feel that for the most part, sharing my life experiences helps not only myself to analyze my past actions, but maybe so that others can learn from my mistakes.

But there are some things, that even I, queen of gab, don't talk about. Everybody has secrets. And there are some that I will take to the grave with me. Oh, got your interest piqued, did I? Well I'm not telling! Haha.

It's nothing terrible... or is it? I dunno, I feel like everything I've ever said, done, or experienced has of course shaped me as a human being, for good or bad.

But for the most part, I feel that I am a good person, so why should it matter some of the "bad" things I may have done in the past? Everyone has demons, skeletons in their closet. I am no different.

And even though I usually don't mince words about how I'm feeling, or about people who have hurt/wronged me, sometimes  even I know where to draw the line, and show a little respect and decorum.

I haven't blogged in FOREVER because I've been busy with the move. Which was, horrible. There are no other words for it.

I could go on about how some of my friends were AMAZING and such great helps to me and I love them and will always appreciate what they've done, and work somehow to repay their kindness.

I could also go on about how I feel that there were some friends I should have been able to count on, that I wasn't able to.

For the most part, except for a few hours on one night where my boyfriend, my friend from highschool, and 2 random dudes I'd never met before helped me move the "heavy" stuff, I moved almost entirely on my own, with little help from others, with 2 little kids in tow, and in the bad weather of rain and hail.

There was a point where I went over 24 hours without showering, sleeping, or eating, because I couldn't afford to take ANY kind of break b/c I was in such a time crunch to get it done.

But the important thing is, it is done. I am moved in. And almost all unpacked and settled in. I survived. I'm a survivor.

I don't have any other option but to trudge forward, and make the best of the hands I've been dealt in life. I tell myself, that I've seen the lowest of the lows, and that things can only get better from here on out.

I hope this is true. I have an amazing boyfriend I love, but don't get to see much, but hopefully that will be changing soon with the bit of good news I got.

I was approved for daycare assistance, so I'm going to be working dayside again finally once I put the kiddos in daycare.

I never wanted to put my kids in daycare, but I just can't live off of working part time, so I need to be able to work fulltime, which I can only do if they are in daycare.

So not working nights anymore should make it so I can have more freetime, not only with my kiddos, but with my boyfriend, and friends as well. Finally feel like I can have a life again outside of working nights!

And as much as I love my children, moms need breaks too. And for the past 8 months, I've had the kiddos full time, with very little time for myself and I defintely get burnt out sometimes.

So starting I believe in June, the ex and I will be having kids every other week. It will be weird to go a week without seeing the kids, but in the long run, I think it will be beneficial that they get more time with their dad, and that I get a break so I have time to recharge my batteries and be a better mom for the weeks that I have them.

Never give up

I was very emo yesterday, and for that I apologize. I was just so stressed over trying to find somewhere decent for me and the kiddos to live in an ever shortening amount of time.

I finally just bit the bullet, and applied at a place that is about $100 more than I can afford a month, but it has the convience of a washer/dryer in unit (which is a huge plus when you have 2 lil kids) and it was someplace that actually looked nice and I felt I would feel safe living alone there with the kiddos.

I applied for some daycare assistance, because part of the reason I make so little a month is because I can't work very many hours because I can't afford daycare, so I rely on my ex, who isn't very reliable, to watch the kids while I work. If the assistance goes through, then I can work more hours, and be able to pay that $100 more a month with ease.

So hopefully, hopefully, things start to turn around for me. But needless to say today I'm in a much less emo mood, I'm not quite as stressed. Partly because I felt like I was giving myself an ulcer from all the stress and worry, so I've been trying to knock it off as much as possible.

Fuck everything

I've tried very hard over the last month to release my fears and just breathe. To not stress so much because it does no good. Well, I've finally reached my breaking point and I am beyond afraid, beyond stressed.

I tried as hard as I could, for as long as I could to keep the fears at bay. But last night they finally won the battle and they swooped in and overtook me.

How do I know this? 1) couldn't sleep at all last night which is a telltale sign that my brain is too addled with worry to shut down. 2) my stomach kept going from feeling like I was going to puke to the most intense cramping pain ever. Besides lack of sleep, I always know I'm stressed to the max when I start having stomach issues. I carry all my fear and worry and push it down into my gut, literally it seems and I start having physical reactions like that.

What am I so stressed/worried about, you may ask. Well, for the last month I've known that I wouldn't be able to afford to keep my apartment because I'm on a very limited fixed income and recieve hardly ANY child support, so basically have to support me and 2 kids on the pittance I make a month.

So I've been trying for the last month to find someplace to live. I've tried both trying to find someone who would be willing to be a roomate, but I got the same reply... sorry, not looking to room with someone with kids. Then I tried looking into rooms to rent... same reply... sorry, not looking to rent to someone with kids.

So then I've been on the hunt for a 1 bedroom apartment that 1) I can afford (meaning less than $500 a month) and 2) Looks safe enough for a little defenseless woman with 2 small children to live in without fear of being shanked or worse in the parking lot.

So far... no luck. But I have to be out of my place by the 30th. Which means I need to start moving into a place by the 27th b/c I figure I will need 3 days to move/clean. Well today is the 20th... So I need to start living somewhere else in 1 week! AHHHHHH.

I guess I'm to the point where I have to decide. Do I live somewhere that looks safe, and yet is out of my price range, and try to live "In the hole" every month and be late on all my bills all the time? Or live somewhere in my price range where I don't feel safe at all?

Let me tell you... it's not a fun or easy choice to make. But I've been backed into a corner, I have no other options. I still have yet to find a better job where I can make more. I applied for daycare assistance so hopefully if that goes through I will be able to start school in the fall so that I CAN get a better job. But until then, I'm floundering.

My family situation is so shitty I can't really go live with any of them. All my friends are sweet, but they don't want a roomate with kids. My boyfriend loves me and the kids but we've only been together 3 months and thats way to much to ask of a new relationship.

So I'm stuck. Left with making a decision where there is no good answer. Just have to decide which is the lesser of 2 evils. Wish me luck!

I'll sleep when I'm dead

Which night am I talking about? You will never know, muahahaha. LOL. No but really, I've had a lot of memorable nights in my life, particularly lately, with the boyfriend.

So let's just say this has to do with him, and leave it at that. I'm sure he would know what night I'm talking about *wink wink*.  Hahaha I'm making this sound way more dirty and mysterious than it is, but oh well.

Hmm. What to blog about. Things aren't too interesting right now. Just uber broke... uber stressed about being broke... uber stressed about not having found a place to live yet.

Trying to look on the bright side of things, and realize that there are alot of people out there that are worse off than me.

I know I'm blessed and lucky in many areas... just wish I could find somewhere to live so that I would have one less stress in my life!