Never give up

I was very emo yesterday, and for that I apologize. I was just so stressed over trying to find somewhere decent for me and the kiddos to live in an ever shortening amount of time.

I finally just bit the bullet, and applied at a place that is about $100 more than I can afford a month, but it has the convience of a washer/dryer in unit (which is a huge plus when you have 2 lil kids) and it was someplace that actually looked nice and I felt I would feel safe living alone there with the kiddos.

I applied for some daycare assistance, because part of the reason I make so little a month is because I can't work very many hours because I can't afford daycare, so I rely on my ex, who isn't very reliable, to watch the kids while I work. If the assistance goes through, then I can work more hours, and be able to pay that $100 more a month with ease.

So hopefully, hopefully, things start to turn around for me. But needless to say today I'm in a much less emo mood, I'm not quite as stressed. Partly because I felt like I was giving myself an ulcer from all the stress and worry, so I've been trying to knock it off as much as possible.

Fuck everything

I've tried very hard over the last month to release my fears and just breathe. To not stress so much because it does no good. Well, I've finally reached my breaking point and I am beyond afraid, beyond stressed.

I tried as hard as I could, for as long as I could to keep the fears at bay. But last night they finally won the battle and they swooped in and overtook me.

How do I know this? 1) couldn't sleep at all last night which is a telltale sign that my brain is too addled with worry to shut down. 2) my stomach kept going from feeling like I was going to puke to the most intense cramping pain ever. Besides lack of sleep, I always know I'm stressed to the max when I start having stomach issues. I carry all my fear and worry and push it down into my gut, literally it seems and I start having physical reactions like that.

What am I so stressed/worried about, you may ask. Well, for the last month I've known that I wouldn't be able to afford to keep my apartment because I'm on a very limited fixed income and recieve hardly ANY child support, so basically have to support me and 2 kids on the pittance I make a month.

So I've been trying for the last month to find someplace to live. I've tried both trying to find someone who would be willing to be a roomate, but I got the same reply... sorry, not looking to room with someone with kids. Then I tried looking into rooms to rent... same reply... sorry, not looking to rent to someone with kids.

So then I've been on the hunt for a 1 bedroom apartment that 1) I can afford (meaning less than $500 a month) and 2) Looks safe enough for a little defenseless woman with 2 small children to live in without fear of being shanked or worse in the parking lot.

So far... no luck. But I have to be out of my place by the 30th. Which means I need to start moving into a place by the 27th b/c I figure I will need 3 days to move/clean. Well today is the 20th... So I need to start living somewhere else in 1 week! AHHHHHH.

I guess I'm to the point where I have to decide. Do I live somewhere that looks safe, and yet is out of my price range, and try to live "In the hole" every month and be late on all my bills all the time? Or live somewhere in my price range where I don't feel safe at all?

Let me tell you... it's not a fun or easy choice to make. But I've been backed into a corner, I have no other options. I still have yet to find a better job where I can make more. I applied for daycare assistance so hopefully if that goes through I will be able to start school in the fall so that I CAN get a better job. But until then, I'm floundering.

My family situation is so shitty I can't really go live with any of them. All my friends are sweet, but they don't want a roomate with kids. My boyfriend loves me and the kids but we've only been together 3 months and thats way to much to ask of a new relationship.

So I'm stuck. Left with making a decision where there is no good answer. Just have to decide which is the lesser of 2 evils. Wish me luck!

I'll sleep when I'm dead

Which night am I talking about? You will never know, muahahaha. LOL. No but really, I've had a lot of memorable nights in my life, particularly lately, with the boyfriend.

So let's just say this has to do with him, and leave it at that. I'm sure he would know what night I'm talking about *wink wink*.  Hahaha I'm making this sound way more dirty and mysterious than it is, but oh well.

Hmm. What to blog about. Things aren't too interesting right now. Just uber broke... uber stressed about being broke... uber stressed about not having found a place to live yet.

Trying to look on the bright side of things, and realize that there are alot of people out there that are worse off than me.

I know I'm blessed and lucky in many areas... just wish I could find somewhere to live so that I would have one less stress in my life!

Just watch my wildest dreams come true

For so long I had forgotten that life is an adventure. I was caught up in the boring monotony that was my life being in a a loveless, unhappy marriage.

But once that ended and I was able to break the chains of that depression, I realized that I was missing out on a lot.

So I've made it my goal to live again. Truly live. Every moment. Even it's just a simple moment of laying in bed with my boyfriend and cuddling. Just live and enjoy and bask in the happiness that is being in real love with someone.

But it's especially fun to have adventures, and seek thrills. I love rollercoasters, and so does my boyfriend and the other night while laying in bed we just perused the internet checking out super cool rollercoasters that I can't wait to ride with him :)

I am having such a good time now, I had forgetten that life can be enjoyable, it doesn't have to be all about just putting up with shit and being miserable all the time.

I can't wait to keep living life as an adventure, having fun with my boyfriend, whether it be simple things like cuddling and watching movies, or taking the kiddos fun places, or going hiking, or to the beach, or camping, or to an amusement park. It's all good, it's all thrilling to me.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for us... I have big dreams and hopes for my future... and hopefully it all works out! :)

I can always make you smile

Sometimes I get a little down when I think about the 9 years I wasted with my ex. I got married so young (19) and gave up so many opportunities to be with him. College being the biggest.

But I'm only 26... I'm in no way shape or form "old", I'm still quite young, so there's plenty of time to go to school and accomplish my dreams.

Sure, it's going to be a little harder with 2 little kiddos, but I'm smart, I'm strong, I'm dedicated, and I have goals. That's half the battle right there, I think.

A lot of people are too lazy, or don't know what they want to do, or even, what the want out of life. I know exactly what I want.

I want to go to school, and become a nurse. I'd like to be able to support myself and my family, without having to rely on government assistance, or anyone else for that matter.

My ex signed the divorce papers on Friday, so I should be served by this Friday, I'm hoping. And pretty much since we've already done mediation and agree on all the terms, once I sign them, and they get turned back in, it's a done deal. No 30 or 60 day waiting periods. It will be so nice to finally be FREE of HIM.

It's such a relief that he  hasn't ruined love for me. For the longest time after we split, I thought maybe either I would never find love again, or that maybe it just wasn't worth it b/c it only causes pain.

But I surprised myself by not only finding someone that I've fallen in love with... but someone that already, I love more than I ever loved my ex. And it's only been 3 months. That just goest to show you how terrible my ex was, and how amazing my boyfriend is!

Sometimes I feel like with my ex, it was highschool puppy love, that just ended up becoming love for someone that you care about because you've been together so long, and you have children together.

But I don't think it was romantic love, so to be experiencing "romantic" love as an adult, is quite mindblowing. And every day, it just grows and grows.

I don't know how my boyfriend feels about marriage. And I don't want to ask, yet, because it's way too soon. But maybe in a couple years bring up the conversation.

I'd like to think that my ex hasn't ruined the concept of marriage for me. I never really got to have a "wedding", it was just a courthouse type deal.

So it would be nice, if I ever get married again, to have a wedding. I would want it to be simple and at the beach, surrounded by friends and family.

But if in a couple years I find out my boyfriend isn't the marrying type, I won't be upset. It's not a deal breaker for me. All I care about is that I'm with someone that loves me, and is devoted to me.

I don't need legal papers to know that someone cares. It's just a formality, although much as it has been amazing to experience real adult romantic love, it might also be nice to someday be in a marriage that is actually a positive experience, haha.

I almost feel like with this divorce, I've gotten a second chance on life. I don't have to be miserable anymore, I don't have to live for his desires anymore. I can be a little selfish, and be who I want to be!

You shine brighter than neon lights

This has basically been my mantra for my life. Part of me really believes that everything does happen for a reason, and most of the time, I can figure out why (it just usually takes a few years before it makes sense).

But then theres always a part of me that thinks I just tell myself that to make things easier. Either way, it's a good mantra that keeps me going!

For the most part I'm a very positive person. I tend to be happy-go-lucky, look at the world through rose colored glasses, see the glass as half full, optimistic kind of person.

Sure I have my moments where I become cynical and start to think negatively. But for the most part I usually snap out of that pretty easily.

Maybe it's stupid, to try to be an optimist, and I have quite a few pessimistic friends that I'm sure I annoy with my positive thinking. But if I didn't have that, I wouldn't have survived all that I've been through.

I've survived a crappy childhood with a crazy mother, a long and crappy, abusive 9 year relationship with my ex where I put up with cheating for way too long.

I lost 4 babies due to miscarriage, and have been duped by a couple of shady men while first starting out new in the dating world again. And yet, I still keep a smile on my face.

Because despite all the hardship, my life is pretty damn good. I'm happy, I'm healthy, I've managed to be quite well adjusted despite my upbringing. I'm intelligent, caring, loving. I have amazing kids, and amazing boyfriend, and amazing friends. So I can't complain (too much!). :)

Endless love

I talked a lot in my last blog about how I was always afraid of everything, and I let fear control my life and I was tired of it. I've been taking steps lately to try to let go of the fear, and not worry quite so much about EVERYTHING.

I think I've made some progress. I can't help but wonder though if people aren't viewing my "releasing of the fear" as reckless.

I have to be out of my apartment by the 30th (thats in 16 days) and I've still yet to find a place to live. Normally I would be freaking out at this point, being scared out of my gourd.

But instead, I'm just breathing, taking my time, telling myself that I will find someplace to live, it's just a matter of a little more time. Trying to not panic. The fact that I haven't yet, is a good sign.

But I think some of my friends are panicking for me haha. It's just been very hard to 1) find a place I can afford, and 2) find a place that is affordable and that I don't feel like I'm going to be shanked in the parking lot.

Affordability is big, but so is feeling safe. Because oh hey, guess I gotta tell this blog my life story too... well not so much, I don't want to reveal too much for fear of aiding the "stupid" people in finding this anonymous blog.

But basically, I'm 26, and a single mom to a 4 year old, and a 10 month old. I have been split from their father (my soon to be exhusband) for 8 months. We had been together 9 years.

And he is/was a real piece of work. He was able to figure out a loophole where he basically doesn't have to pay me much child support. So I'm basically trying to figure out how to support a family of 3 on $13k a year.

Yeah, you figure that math out and get back to me, k? But on the bright side, I am now in a very happy an healthy relationship with someone I love very much.

Today marks 1 month that we have been "official" but we've been dating for almost 3 months now. And it's been the most blissful 3 months of my life! :)

But yeah... back to the scrambling to find a place to live. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and perhaps the reason that I haven't found a suitable place yet is because I just found out that one of my coworkers is looking for a roomate, so that would open up so many more possibilities. Keep your fingers crossed for me, eh?

Welcome to the dark side

Hello blogosphere. So I'm not new at this, I had a blog before... a quite good, quite popular blog before where I had written over 160 entries, and had almost 4,000 hits... but then some stupid people came along and had to take all the fun out of it.

So I'm starting new with this blog. Gonna do things a bit differently. Gonna be pretty much anonymous... so that should be interesting.

I will still be competly honest and try and share my life experiences, good and bad with you in hopes that you can learn from my mistakes and or get a little chuckle out of my crazy life.

This is supposed to be fun, and cathartic, to have an anonymous place to vent. Let's hope the crazy stupid people can't find this one and ruin that for me too!

I hope you enjoy reading my musings... I do enjoy writing them. Even if nobody ever read them... I'd still write, because I love to write :)